I must admit I’ve been looking forward to the beginning of kindergarten for awhile … when you work and you have to pay for preschool, the thought of free 5-days-a-week ‘childcare’ is enticing! But now that it’s two weeks away and my kiddo has had her last days in anything resembling preschool … well, the emotion has taken me a bit off-guard. Earlier today I was listening to a podcast about the approach of the school year and one of the hosts mentioned how her child says “packpack” instead of “backpack” and the tears just welled up. Ellie most definitely used to say “packpack” but no longer.

Before we left for “camp” this morning, she requested to hear “Let It Go” and then asked for help putting on her Elsa dress. She donned her Anna tiara and proceeded to dance around the living room. I don’t want to ever forget the sweetness of witnessing that innocent and adorable moment. She’s still little … but on the cusp of being big. I think of dropping her off at the curb of that large school where she’ll be the youngest of all the grades and my eyes get a bit watery. But to her I exhibit excitement and confidence … I know she’s already feeling nervous and I don’t want to make it worse.

This mothering thing is haaaaaard. As she gets older, I don’t have to do as much for her … and yeah, that’s a relief to a degree. But the lessons I need to teach her carry more and more weight. I honestly don’t remember being five and I wonder how much she’ll remember. I’m in a place where I’m wanting to change how I handle discipline and really trying to be sensitive to her emotions and focus on our relationship. I want to make sure she always knows she can talk to me about anything. Most of all, I want her to really and truly know that she is fearfully and wonderfully made and that I love her so.darn.much.

I realize it’s okay to be emotional about this milestone. It doesn’t mean I’m sappy or that I’m weak. It doesn’t mean I’m mourning her growing up. It’s just a reaction to leaving behind one season and entering another. It’s a big unknown for both of us and we’re both a little worried about how it’s going to go. In the meantime, I have 17 more days to prepare. She’s off with Dad tomorrow to meet up with Gran and Pepe in Mississippi. She’ll have a blast with them for a week and then we’ll get her back outside of Houston after the Needtobreathe concert in New Braunfels. Then she and I will have one more week to hopefully make a few more summer memories… until it’s time to put on the backpack and get to school.